some things change some things stay the same
So I sit here anxiously waiting to go to the gym as I wait for this lemon tea to steep. I had a really bad acid reflux episode this morning. Why must I torture myself? I have no idea. I had Indian food then turned around and had Chinese. I don't even like Chinese food! Well my body said I'll show you. And it definitely did. I have no guilt although I know better. I surely have a heightened sense of awareness though!
Something possessed me to go on Facebook today. I "shut down" my facebook a year or so ago- possibly way longer than that. I felt as though it created artificial bonds and illusions. I guess it is part of the reason why I battle with being on social media in general, including YouTube. I looked up some old classmates. I have this bad habit of contacting people when they come across my mind. Of course in essence that doesn't sound like a bad thing, except when those people clearly have no interest in you (and quite possibly never did). I refrained from doing so this time. Anyway it all led me into looking into three different people's lives. Briefly, might I add. But nonetheless I did it and I fess up.
I felt a series of things. I am happy to report that I did not feel jealousy and I do not feel bad about myself. I very rarely get jealous. However part of the reason I left facebook is because it triggered my depression ALOT. I mean you get to see other people who have people who care about them. And on a grand scale, I don't have that. Through life I have learned appearances aren't everything but I do know sometimes it is as it seems.
It is many years, at least a decade, that I've seriously known any of the people who I previewed today. And they have grown. And I thought wow my life's the damn same. I know that is all on the outside. The sad part is that that is all anyone ever sees. I myself know that I've been through deaths, heartaches, humiliation, failed professional ventures and various life transitions. But on my life resume there is no great job, love, living quarters, travel or story. I have to accept my life wouldn't impress anyone. And really they weren't trying to impress me either. All I can do is continue to learn and grow.
I have grown a lot from my school days. I'm still very awkward and way too serious. But I've also learned to stand up for myself; getting better at letting dysfunctional relationships go; I go out in crowds a little bit easier each time; and because of the bad things I've been through I see the world in color rather than in black and white.
Nothing to oooh and ahhh about but still, I'm not half bad.
Something possessed me to go on Facebook today. I "shut down" my facebook a year or so ago- possibly way longer than that. I felt as though it created artificial bonds and illusions. I guess it is part of the reason why I battle with being on social media in general, including YouTube. I looked up some old classmates. I have this bad habit of contacting people when they come across my mind. Of course in essence that doesn't sound like a bad thing, except when those people clearly have no interest in you (and quite possibly never did). I refrained from doing so this time. Anyway it all led me into looking into three different people's lives. Briefly, might I add. But nonetheless I did it and I fess up.
I felt a series of things. I am happy to report that I did not feel jealousy and I do not feel bad about myself. I very rarely get jealous. However part of the reason I left facebook is because it triggered my depression ALOT. I mean you get to see other people who have people who care about them. And on a grand scale, I don't have that. Through life I have learned appearances aren't everything but I do know sometimes it is as it seems.
It is many years, at least a decade, that I've seriously known any of the people who I previewed today. And they have grown. And I thought wow my life's the damn same. I know that is all on the outside. The sad part is that that is all anyone ever sees. I myself know that I've been through deaths, heartaches, humiliation, failed professional ventures and various life transitions. But on my life resume there is no great job, love, living quarters, travel or story. I have to accept my life wouldn't impress anyone. And really they weren't trying to impress me either. All I can do is continue to learn and grow.
I have grown a lot from my school days. I'm still very awkward and way too serious. But I've also learned to stand up for myself; getting better at letting dysfunctional relationships go; I go out in crowds a little bit easier each time; and because of the bad things I've been through I see the world in color rather than in black and white.
Nothing to oooh and ahhh about but still, I'm not half bad.
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