I gave up on life....
I gave up on life 10 years ago. Stuck inside, no talking, barely participating and not really living. I was convinced everything I was told made sense and didn't make sense at the same time. I had resigned myself to mediocrity. Depression is a hell of a thing. Who I was and how I lived didn't match up at all. I was a body that took up space and a soul that was trapped inside of itself.
There are many decisions that have brought me to today. And me being here speaks for itself in a way. Once upon a time, a professor called me resilient. See, in the face of adversity I never really gave in but I never quite gave it my all either. I keep trying but for once I'd like to say "yes I'm all here!"
If I told you my life story, you'd think I was a liar. But really what I will say is words can always hurt you. I have ahead of me forgiveness of my abusers and self-forgiveness of my own actions (and many inactions).
My body today walks in pain. And it walks that way because I gave up. I did not say to myself it was okay to feel the emotional pain and push myself past that block. I did not say it was okay to not want to be with this person or that; nor listen to the negative tape being screamed at me in my head or outside of my head.
I gave in.
But yet and still here I am. What I wish to document goes beyond a body transformation. It is a soul renewed and a spirit restored. I wish for you to see that at the dark depths and valleys is a tunnel out. I will find that way and carry you too through it with me.
There are many decisions that have brought me to today. And me being here speaks for itself in a way. Once upon a time, a professor called me resilient. See, in the face of adversity I never really gave in but I never quite gave it my all either. I keep trying but for once I'd like to say "yes I'm all here!"
If I told you my life story, you'd think I was a liar. But really what I will say is words can always hurt you. I have ahead of me forgiveness of my abusers and self-forgiveness of my own actions (and many inactions).
My body today walks in pain. And it walks that way because I gave up. I did not say to myself it was okay to feel the emotional pain and push myself past that block. I did not say it was okay to not want to be with this person or that; nor listen to the negative tape being screamed at me in my head or outside of my head.
I gave in.
But yet and still here I am. What I wish to document goes beyond a body transformation. It is a soul renewed and a spirit restored. I wish for you to see that at the dark depths and valleys is a tunnel out. I will find that way and carry you too through it with me.
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